I've been on paxil for awhile, but my insurance ran out. I have to get drug cards and buy my medicine with that, but I'm so worried that I can't get it that way, even. So I've been conveniently ~forgetting to take it most days this week. Probably a mistake.
Today I had one of those bad times. And surprisingly it's not really about Danny. Danny's fine with the whole cancer thing, by the way. But yeah it's this thing. I don't know.
Drugs and alcohol make me feel awkward. It's incredibly awkward when people I'm super close to do them or want to do them. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and I try to express that as clearly as I can. I don't want to control people, not really. But I want to be considered. But when I'm not taking paxil (or not nearly as much as I've been taking it), it's hard to not want to be controlling. It makes me feel BETRAYED that, say, my girlfriend would even consider touching drugs. I felt the same way with Danny, and I kept feeling hurt again and again when he did it. When he would lie to me about it. Whenever he mentioned it at all. It's still there when I'm taking medicine, the betrayed feeling, but I can keep it more under control. I do make passive-aggressive jokes about my sister though, but that's about the extent of how I express it. When I'm not taking medicine I act as betrayed as I feel. To most, this is probably really stupid and irrational, but I want to be considered. I DON'T want people close to me to do ANY substances because it makes me feel uncomfortable. To me it's awkward enough that my girlfriend drinks alcohol socially sometimes and wants to feel ~tipsy if she goes to a party (and that's not even full-on drunk). I cannot handle the other drug stuff. I can't handle the plans for that or KNOWING or even the fact that it might/is going to happen.
I don't know what to do. I'm not going to demand anything but I don't want any of it to happen. Should I just retreat into myself and be more emo? Should I just swallow my stupid feelings and repress them? Because they're not going to go away and it's going to KEEP being a problem. And it's going to be a problem if she doesn't do it because of me because I'll feel guilty.
I'm stuck. I can't be satisfied. I fail. I can't handle it.
And my mom doesn't care about me. I asked her to take me food shopping if she goes and she told me she wouldn't bring me but she never gets me anything I want. I want healthy options here and there aren't any and she keeps buying candy and I can't handle it. god. she treats me like i'm an idiot. like i'm stupid and i don't deserve to be listened to. she does anything for kim that she wants but she won't even take me food shopping without my asking. i don't even want to spend time with her but she won't get me what i want if i don't go. i didn't do anything to deserve this but I hate it so much and i want her to stop. i can't talk to her about it though because every time i try to advocate for myself she gets mad at me. i can't handle this.
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