Please stop shoving it in my face.

I can't handle it anymore.

And now I feel like it and it's not because of the anti-depressants. I can't blame how I feel on the lack of paxil. Because I've been taking it and I still don't feel worth it.

Is it worth a fight? is it worth this?

Awkward, emo blog? i think so.

Because this is too... idk... for LiveJournal.

I've been on paxil for awhile, but my insurance ran out. I have to get drug cards and buy my medicine with that, but I'm so worried that I can't get it that way, even. So I've been conveniently ~forgetting to take it most days this week. Probably a mistake.

Today I had one of those bad times. And surprisingly it's not really about Danny. Danny's fine with the whole cancer thing, by the way. But yeah it's this thing. I don't know.

Drugs and alcohol make me feel awkward. It's incredibly awkward when people I'm super close to do them or want to do them. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and I try to express that as clearly as I can. I don't want to control people, not really. But I want to be considered. But when I'm not taking paxil (or not nearly as much as I've been taking it), it's hard to not want to be controlling. It makes me feel BETRAYED that, say, my girlfriend would even consider touching drugs. I felt the same way with Danny, and I kept feeling hurt again and again when he did it. When he would lie to me about it. Whenever he mentioned it at all. It's still there when I'm taking medicine, the betrayed feeling, but I can keep it more under control. I do make passive-aggressive jokes about my sister though, but that's about the extent of how I express it. When I'm not taking medicine I act as betrayed as I feel. To most, this is probably really stupid and irrational, but I want to be considered. I DON'T want people close to me to do ANY substances because it makes me feel uncomfortable. To me it's awkward enough that my girlfriend drinks alcohol socially sometimes and wants to feel ~tipsy if she goes to a party (and that's not even full-on drunk). I cannot handle the other drug stuff. I can't handle the plans for that or KNOWING or even the fact that it might/is going to happen.

I don't know what to do. I'm not going to demand anything but I don't want any of it to happen. Should I just retreat into myself and be more emo? Should I just swallow my stupid feelings and repress them? Because they're not going to go away and it's going to KEEP being a problem. And it's going to be a problem if she doesn't do it because of me because I'll feel guilty.

I'm stuck. I can't be satisfied. I fail. I can't handle it.

And my mom doesn't care about me. I asked her to take me food shopping if she goes and she told me she wouldn't bring me but she never gets me anything I want. I want healthy options here and there aren't any and she keeps buying candy and I can't handle it. god. she treats me like i'm an idiot. like i'm stupid and i don't deserve to be listened to. she does anything for kim that she wants but she won't even take me food shopping without my asking. i don't even want to spend time with her but she won't get me what i want if i don't go. i didn't do anything to deserve this but I hate it so much and i want her to stop. i can't talk to her about it though because every time i try to advocate for myself she gets mad at me. i can't handle this.

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I feel so stupid right now. I can't write my paper. I can't come up with something to write and it will be messed up and I"m going to have to pull an all-nighter. And my mom called me and made me try to do stuff with PeopleSoft when I'm busy trying to think of what to do with my paper and she got me really upset because she's so DUMB with computers and shit. I don't have time for her freaking finaid shit. She should have done it earlier and I'm in a BAD MOOD. I have a fucking paper that I can't do. She has NO RIGHT to talk to me when I feel like this.

I just want to drop out. I don't belong here. I'm stupid.

I'm stupid and i'm going to do so badly on this paper becuase i don't even kno w what to write.

Fuck. Life.

My best friend has LEUKEMIA. LEU-FUCKING-KEMIA.

And now I feel SO INCREDIBLY GUILTY for being so mad at him. But I can't stop being mad at him for all he's done. But I can't cut him out of my life completely. Even if he wasn't physically sick, I wouldn't do that. But I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

He does things he doesn't remember because of his BPD and schizophrenia, but I feel so taken advantage of. And yeah, I let him. I'm not going to. But I can't be close to him like I was. He pushed me away more than anything while trying to keep me.

So I finally got the guts to stick up for myself for good. Tell him off.

And then he gets diagnosed with FUCKING LEUKEMIA.

Why am I still doing this?

I won't be able to sleep or eat. And now I have a good excuse for being a stupid, lazy person that I hate. I was never good enough anyway.

fail

I know I said I'd give it a few days, but I'm impatient. So of COURSE I keep trying LJ anyway. But it's not working and it's not going to work. So I'm going to give up trying. Or at least, I say I'm going to give up trying, knowing full well that I'll still try it.

We took my cat to the vet earlier. Her eye was swollen and stuff and I told my mom about it, so she made a vet appointment. Turns out she has a scratch on her eye. She was really good at the vet's office, though she peed in the cat carrier. Probably because she was scared. She was calm for a lot of it though. She did meow a lot at the beginning when she didn't know why she was being put in the carrier. But yeah, she was good while the vet did all this stuff with her eye. We have ointment we have to put on it three times a day. That's going to be a challenge.

Oh well. Back to Queer as Folk.

What is my life.

New plan

I'm just going to give it a few days, unless I find that everyone else has it back. I know there are some that had the same problems of me yesterday and might still have them, I'm not sure. I linked people on Twatter here once, and I probably won't again because I don't want to keep being emo on there. I mean, it's hard because I'm missing a lot. But the thing is, I just tried it on the PC (my old laptop) and it's not working on there either. And it's not working on Kim's new macbook. So I'm not sure exactly what's going on, just that it sucks. But I'm just gonna give it a few days.

I'm kind of glad Danny will be out late tonight. Not because I won't miss him, but because I know I'll probably be all emo and shit without LJ again. So I don't want to put him through that. He was trying to help me last night and I, of course, just brushed him aside because I was too sad to care about anything except LJ. But then when I got offline he tried to guilt me into coming back online, so I don't know. It's all really confusing lately.

I guess I should look on the bright side. LJ scorning me means that I can watch a crapload of Queer as Folk. I'm addicted and I kind of love it.